The Word of God doesn’t tell us to be happy in all things, but in all things to give thanks (Ephesians 5:20, Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ;). For many and in many instances people believe those to be identical, but the reality is the command tells us to be thankful for the bad things too that make us sad. This is because there is a plan according to Romans 8:28; therefore, despite not having much to rejoice in happiness I rejoice in that I can still expect a plan even if it hurts. I can understand Job 13:15 even more intimately than I ever wanted to.
#1 This list has gotten shorter over the last year by a long list, but I know what the #1 thing that makes me smile is and probably now always will be what I referenced in The Value of a Smile. Even if she told me that she was completely disgusted by me I would still rejoice in her smile; however, after 29 years of being refused a single date and having only married the first woman who would date me, I don’t expect much from anyone. I truly hope that she finds happiness and in reality it’s no loss to me if she finds it with someone else, because she deserves it; however, I don’t see her on a daily basis. I wish that I could forget about her, but nothing I do seems to help. She just lives rent free in my head now because I can’t put her out of my mind for now, and so does her smile.
#2 Forcing myself to smile. You asked and here it is I force myself to smile in a mirror everyday, but it’s more and more painful to do so as hope dies a little more each day. Hope gets starved by feelings of loneliness and self-loathing. Maybe it doesn’t bring me happiness, but it makes other people think that I am happy.
#3 Now it gets difficult to think of anything to be happy about when I cry myself to sleep at night and wake up crying in the morning. At least it makes me laugh on a daily basis how the problems my siblings and mother have pale in comparison to how mine own appear to be, but they consistently claim to “need” my help. I am happy to help others around me, but it sometimes gets ridiculous. It may not make me happy, but it makes me laugh.
#4 How many unpaid jobs I have and yet cannot find paying work makes me laugh. I do plenty of work, but don’t get paid at all. It’s not that I wish I had to do these jobs, but I have way too many jobs in front of me. At least I don’t feel useless, but it does prove how worthless I can be to those around me. Then when I say I wish I had paid work people tend to pray, “give him a job” and I find myself having another unpaid job… that makes me smile with irony. Once again not exactly a happy thing, but smiles at the least.
#5 My defiance, I still consider each and everyday the time when my ex said if I was a man of faith that I would believe that I was a wife beater, and if I had any honor I would have already ended my life already. In case you were curious there was no evidence that I ever hurt her other than what she claimed. Despite everything I force myself not to let myself give into thoughts of suicide only because it would make a statement that I don’t want it to make. This does tie back into #1 as her smile helped me to see a reason to cling to life even if it’s just to help others find happiness.
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