Hello readers,
I like to respond to these daily writing prompts because they make me be honest with people and hopefully at least if my insecurities are like your they can help others; however, if not then at least everyone can feel like life isn’t as bad for themselves as my life has been in relationsihps.
To be honest what makes me the most nervous of anything isn’t actually being rejected by someone. I have been rejected by thousands of women, and I was rejected by every woman I approached until I met one. I always was prepared mentally that love was just a choice, and what made it special was just faithful persistence. I was certain from that point on that it was my only chance to have a relationship with anyone. When my wife left me and had masterminded a plan to end our relationship in a way that would make her look good. I made peace with realizing that I would be lonely for the rest of my life. I always believed myself to be so unloveable and even despite that even if I felt like I could be accpeted maybe by some other unloveable wretch I figured I would have another 3 decades of rejection to deal with that.
But then… when someone looks your way that is so uniquely amazing but you know that even you before the baggage of the past never could have been worthy of such a person. I mean seriously despite this person being nothing like what you’d expect according to all your expectations. They weren’t like anything I would have chosen before according to my list of expectations, but that landed me at a world of disappointment already.
I know that she doesn’t care about me, but I can’t get her out of my head. I can’t stop obsessing about this amazing woman who captured every ounce of affection from me. I even think from time to time about her beautiful brown hair that is amazing, even without the extensions she likes to wear, and her almond brown eyes that curve downward I wouldn’t have thought to be anything special, but they can cheer up my weeping heart. Her sense of humor makes me realize that I wish I could know her better.
What makes me nervous is really the thought that someone that amazing could even want to spend time with me. It breaches the consistent expectation that experiencing a lifetime of being unloveable brings with it. There may be no hope there, no happiness, no bright things; however, it gives a comforting lack of expectation. It honestly makes me more nervous to even try or ask someone to like me, because something that has defined me for too many years is having a face only Jesus could love. It makes me less nervous to walk across a balance beam over a pit of snakes than it does to tell this woman how I feel about her.
See now I live in a paradox, because I want to pursue this woman as the harder I pray that God would provide her with the perfect mate the more I obsess over her. I also am painfully aware that if I tried to pursue anyone else before being verbally rejected by her it would be unfair to everyone involved, but if I did the same afterwards it would wrong just as many people… I don’t know what to do with myself, but the constant pain I feel from living as I am continues to grow inside. If you can relate to that I’ll say that that feeling doesn’t come along every day, when you feel like you can’t feel about any other woman the way you do about a single person it’s very rare and valuable. Doing everything you can before you get to that point in life to avoid making mistakes of soiling your heart would pay dividends.
MundyWrites 
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