What could I even do???

Daily writing prompt

What’s a secret skill or ability you have or wish you had?

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This question sounds like the old what superpower would you choose if you could. If I could choose to I would go back in time. It’s true that my life has been filled with many instances of unrequited love, but I wish I had never married the woman that left me. The movie authors like to include lines such as, “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”; however, I have tried both and neither one holds more hope than the other. The only difference is the shade of remorse that one finds in their own heart. I could wish to change things so that I would have never gone to Ohio, but I know that would ruin so many friendships that I have right now. I wouldn’t be a writer, I would have never gone to college to become a PTA, and I don’t know if I would even have survived to this point. I could wish so many things be changed, because I so easily ruin my own life. I could wish that I was more attractive to women, but really it’s not women that I care about attracting. I care about attracting one specific woman and that’s because I fall into the pit of hyperfocus. The fact is that yesterday the one person I really am interested in dismissed me and it hurt. I went into thoughts of how to provide for my dogs so they could live if I were to take my life, because everything seems so dark. I could wish that I were smarter, but what good would it do to know how much worse things could be? I could wish that I were more employable as I can’t seem to find a job, but that wouldn’t change my emotional state. Really, I could wish that I could disconnect my feelings, but I know that doesn’t work as it just causes more problems later. I really could only wish for the ability to let go of that shame of my past, but it’s not as easy as just letting go. Pastor Jack Trieber preached a GREAT sermon on letting go of past guilt and shame that has already been forgiven; however, I don’t understand why I can’t stop blaming myself for marrying someone out of desperation. I know in my head that I should just forget trying to be in a relationship, and expect that nothing good remains for me in life; however, it doesn’t solve the feeling of self disgust that I constantly have.